How Can I Try?
by errantry
Summary: Castiel struggling with human emotions and surviving in an apocalyptic world. I suck at summaries.


Dean's voice echoes in his brain most nights. His laugh. Shakes him to the core, the memory of that laugh. Sometimes he hears it from outside, amid the Walkers. He ran outside once, he thought he heard them talking. Thought he heard Sam's deep voice. That was before, when he first fell. He was confused and afraid.

_Fear_

That was something Castiel thought he would never get used to. When he first fell, in Georgia, his first experience with human emotions was a panic attack. His eyes adjusted to the sunlight around him, he got up on his hands and knees, then suddenly a crippling feeling took over his body. He struggled to breathe, thought his heart was going to give out. Thought it was the end. He knew then that there was no going back. And that it was spreading. Fast. Fast even for an angel, the human race was depleting quickly. Much too quickly. He was helpless, struggling with new emotions along with surviving.

It started with him running into an abandoned house, where he stayed in the basement, trying to sort out the mess he was in. He didn't know what to do or where to go. No longer an angel, his body had certain demands. Like food. Where was he going to find food? Water. He was always thirsty, always. Day in and day out he thought of Sam and Dean. They were out there. They had to be. That's the only hope he had. That his friends were alive. The odds that they would be in Georgia were slim to none, but that hope still carries him. He knows that the odds that Dean and Sam were even alive are low but he also knows that Dean Winchester doesn't give up that easily.

Castiel was lucky that his reflexes were good and that he found a pretty useful metal baseball bat. For a while it just him, going from house to house, scavenging for food, or just sitting and waiting. Waiting for another day. Waiting to stumble upon more survivors. Just waiting for something, maybe and even a sign that god was still with him. He decided to head to Atlanta, but he had a funny feeling. Figured he would set up camp in the mountains for a couple days, knew he would be safe from Walkers up there. When he set out, climbed slowly, sun beating down on his back, the closer he got to the top the louder the voices got and vehicles came into view. Castiel thought it had to be a miracle when he saw a face unpossessed by that deadly disease.

"You bit?" The man asked. Castiel's white button up was blood splattered and dirty. He walked slowly up the hill, eyes sunken in, weak. A backpack rested on his shoulders, collar bones protruding harshly underneath the straps.

"No, sir." As he got closer another man walked up, hand ready on his weapon. He had a strong build, thick hair and a calm expression. He seemed intimidating enough, though, but his eyes were kind. "Didn't think people were smart enough to go into the mountains," Castiel smiled, out of breath. The man that spotted him initially, smirked.

"Where you headed?"

"Planned on heading into Atlanta tomorrow."

"Atlanta's not safe. Not from around here are you?"

"You can say that," Castiel leaned against a red car and let his backpack slide off of his shoulders and onto the dirt.

"How long's it been since you ate? You look sick as hell," a man with a crossbow leaning against his shoulder asked, tossing Cas a bottle of water.

"Four or five days."

"That's Daryl, I'm Rick and this here is Shane. Lori! Get this man some food, will you?" Castiel kept a distance between himself and the group as he ate. Shane walked up to him again.

"You survived all on your own?" he asked. Castiel nodded. "Must be a pretty strong guy to go at it alone all this time."

"You have no idea." With a full stomach, Castiel slid down the side of the car, his eyes drifted shut.

He awoke in a tent, a warm body beside him. It was the first night he had slept without a nightmare waking him. When Shane rolled over and sighed, Castiel felt a few human emotions he hadn't before. Security, for one. He studied the contours of Shane's face, and, as it used to happen, a feeling surged through him. He thought he had experienced every human emotion. How could he forget? He felt Shane's exhale against his cheek and heat spread down his neck and pooled in his stomach.

Everyday he spent with the group his hope slowly faded of ever finding them. He tried to keep his mind from drifting by going into the city to find supplies or hunting squirrel with Daryl. Once he commented on how the blue of Castiel's turned to black when he saw Walkers. Like he took out any shred of anger and doubt out on them.

"You're ruthless, man," Daryl had said. Needless to say, he and Daryl made a good team. "All that time you spent alone, were you looking for anyone?" Daryl asked him as they sat on the dirt ground, taking a break.

"Yeah, I was. They were my friends. A part of me thinks they're out there but lately… I don't know."

"They're probably fine. If they knew a guy like you, they have to be strong. Let's start heading back, it'll be dark soon." Castiel's legs ached when he tired to get comfortable that night in his shared tent. He was restless and the eerie quiet didn't help soothe his thoughts. When he finally got fed up, he went up to the roof of the camper and joined Shane on lookout.

"How's it going?" Castiel dangled his legs down over the edge of the camper next to Shane.

"Not a creature is stirring." Shane took a deep breath and exhaled, thankful for the company. Cas looked tired, Shane noticed how his brow was always furrowed, as if he was contemplating human existence itself.

"Do you think there's any hope of us surviving at all?" Cas' rough voice broke the silence. Shane had to think about the question for a while.

"Well, Rick is all gung-ho on going to the CDC. He thinks we're going to find a cure, so I guess there's hope in that."

"There is no cure. There is no hope. There's just this," Cas gestured out toward the pathless woods. "Just us trying to get by day by day. All my life I thought the human race was worth fighting for, but now…. I don't know."

"What about those people Daryl told me you were lookin' for? They ain't worth it?"

"That's what lead me here, my father that I'll find them, but it's been so long… maybe it isn't worth it anymore. It's just a hopeless cause." Cas looked out over the dark mountains. He began to think. He saw the human race begin, he didn't think it would end so quickly. What was he living for anymore? Who was he living for? Just like that, as he was questioning himself, Shane's warm hand landed on his thigh.

"I didn't think any of this was worth it. Until a new face came along, you. Then all these feelings and thoughts sprouted up. Like, maybe there is hope. Maybe there are many others out there. The only way to find out is to keep going. Keep fighting. Together." Castiel acted on impulse then, grabbing Shane's shirt collar and forcing their lips together. This need Castiel was experiencing felt so unnatural, but it was there and couldn't be ignored or suppressed. It felt like a hunger. A ravenous thirst for another person's touch. Shane tried to push Cas away, ashamed and embarrassed. Ashamed that he was actually enjoying the rough scrape of stubble against his chin, that he enjoyed the way Cas wouldn't let him break away. Wouldn't let him catch his breath. Wouldn't let him process these awakened feelings inside himself. When Shane stopped trying to pull away, allowed Cas' fist's to almost rip his shirt and let Cas bite down on his lip. He let go, surprisingly, with a moan against Cas' lips. For the first time in a few weeks, he felt at ease.

"Go get some sleep, I'll keep watch 'till sun up," Castiel broke away and his gaze fixed onto the horizon line. Shane's hand squeezed Cas' thigh, he got up, sighing as he did so.

"Maybe what you need, to restore that faith, is to stay alive for someone and know that they're staying alive for you," Shane said as he turned his back from Cas. Castiel careened his neck down and watched Shane's figure walk to his tent. Maybe that was true, but Cas knew a lot more than Shane did. He knew that with god gone, faith was an illusion. What Castiel doesn't understand is that faith doesn't have to concern god.

That day Castiel wandered down tot he water a few feet below the camp. He had peeled off a sweaty t-shirt and the sweltering Georgia heat made his bare back glisten with sweat. He found Shane standing in the water, his jeans rolled up mid-calf.

"I'm sorry about earlier, I don't know what I was thinking."

"Don't apologize." Shane walked onto land and Cas followed him behind a large rock. They were shielded from Dale's all seeing eyes and the sun. Shane's arm snaked around Cas' waist and pulled him closer.

"I thought about what you said." Shane watched Cas' lips as he spoke. "How staying alive for someone can restore faith. I think that's what I need." Shane pressed his chest against Castiel's feeling the heat of skin against his own. This time the kiss was slower. Sweeter. Like they were investing, putting their lives in each other's hands. Daryl's voice boomed from across the water.

"Supply run," Cas said, pulling away and turning. Shane gripped his hand.

"Be careful, alright?" Castiel was confused. Confusion that reminded him of when he first fell. How he wished Dean was there to give him some answers. It confused him how quickly Shane had responded to an intimate gesture that had previously meant so little to Castiel. How quickly Shane had put his care into him. Cas kew the difference between the camaraderie with everyone else in the group and what was blossoming with Shane. He just didn't understand how, so suddenly, it felt like something felt more important than Sam and Dean. How a kiss could shift his perspective on things.

Now, day's were passing by, fading together. He had Shane, still. For a while that faith ignited inside of him. It was starting to turn to doubt. Shane still made him think that there was something out there that was more than this nightmare.

They were walking up the road to the camp, one day. They stayed out in the woods a long time. Sweeping the area for Walkers. It was getting dark, Castiel's mouth was dry and his body ached. Shane stopped him just a few feet from the camp. They couldn't see the cars but could Daryl and Glenn's voices.

"I've been thinking, Cas," Shane's voice was low. "What if we leave? Just you and me." Castiel was tired, he could feel it down to his bones.

"Let's just wait and see what happens at the CDC. Then we'll figure it out, okay?" Cas turned to walk back to the camp when a sound stopped him. It was familiar. The fast squeak of hinges and slam of a car door. I couldn't be. Then he heard his voice.

"We have a ton of food, you guys can help yourselves." It was Sam. Shane barely heard the voice but Cas did. Their voices were so distinctive. Cas kept himself steady as a figure came into view. Cas reached his hand out and touched Dean's shoulder.

"Oh my god," Sam said when he saw him. Dean turned and met Castiel's eyes. The sun's rays hit his face in such a way that it would've made Castiel think god had come back. It was in those green eyes that Castiel saw hope. When he felt Dean's strong arms pull him in, he felt like everything would be okay. He had Dean again. Dean puled away but kept his hands on Cas' arms, fingers grazing warm flesh, as if Dean was making sure he was real. When Sam hugged Castiel, Dean kept his eyes on him, making sure he wouldn't disappear like old times.

When Shane saw how Cas had reacted, he knew. Hit him like a ton of bricks. He was nothing to Cas. Never was and never will be. He moved past them quick and went into the tent.

"Where is Dean?" Castiel asked Sam after dinner. He smoothed things over with Shane for the most part. He didn't understand how valuable he was to Castiel, didn't understand that Cas would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for him.

"Down by the water." Dean was sitting under a rock that provided privacy from the camp's view. Castiel sat down on the blanket Dean had laid out. They were quiet, watching the sunset casting on the water.

"If you had fallen under different circumstances, you know what I would've done?" Dean asked, eyes still locked on the water. "I would have quit. Quit hunting and I would have found a house. For us. I would have found a decent job, learn to cook-," a whimper broke through his words. "Coming home to you would be enough." Cas leaned over and wrapped his arms around Dean as he continued to cry. "I love you, Cas, always did." Castiel's own tears were falling now. It grew darling as they held onto each other, they moved apart, Dean cupped Cas' face and wiped his tears. When their lips met it was like a sigh of relief after years and years of holding it in.

"I love you," Cas said against Dean's lips. A scream sounded from the camp, they both stood and ran. A group of Walkers had come into the camp. Dean's eyes scanned for Sam as he drew his weapon and began firing. Castiel had gone off in the other direction. When the gunfire stopped and everyone was safe Shane saw Cas on the ground. He had been bit, but kept taking down Walkers until the camp was safe. Until Shane was safe. Shane ran over and bent down. The wound on Castiel's neck was bleeding profusely, Shane tired to apply pressure as Cas gripped his shoulder.

"Shane," he said quietly, his face was draining of color rapidly and he was struggling to breathe. Sam and Dean knelt down on the opposite side of him.

"Dammit, Cas, not like this," Dean fought tears and gripped Castiel's hand.

"It's funny," Castiel coughed. "I thought it would be Raphael not a fucking Walker. Y-you guys have to keep going, get to the CDC, just keep going. You all are so strong, I-I'm grateful for having known you." All life drained from Castiel. His grip on Shane's shoulder and in Dean's hand went limp. He was still. Shane kept his hand on Cas' neck until Rick dragged him away. Sam did the same for Dean, who fought the entire time.

"We'll figure out what to do," Sam had told him but Dean was gone, every part of himself had left with Castiel. Dean didn't know where to turn. Since finding Bobby's body in his house they just kept trucking along. Thought eventually they would find _something_. It was a surprise when they happened upon Castiel. Surprising how everything calmed when Dean had seen him, then how quickly things spun out of control. What Dean will soon realize is that Sam is still there. He still has someone to stay alive for. Even if there is no cure and all hope is lost, he'll always have Sam. He won't have to die alone.


End file.
